I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize