She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
