My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
