Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
