There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
