70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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