Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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