I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
