Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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