If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize