alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
