I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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