if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
