just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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