My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
