Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
