I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
