My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
