She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
