He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
