a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
