I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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