so that wasnt chicken after all
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
