you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
