i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
