My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
