Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
