I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
