she was so not down for the gang bang
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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