I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
