Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The Olympian is in my bed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
