he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
