I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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