I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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