So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
