I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
