tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
