Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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