dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
