So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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