ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
