I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
