I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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