my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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