1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
