You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
