see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
