why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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