it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
