She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
