I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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