drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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