My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
