my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
