Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
