you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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