Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
