We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize