oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
