Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
