I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
